


Everything I Could Never Say

by jumbled-nonsense (notsodarling)



Category: Roswell New Mexico (TV 2019)
Genre: Alex Manes POV, Gen, M/M, Set During Ep 1x13, stupid boys in love, the Airstream is like it's own character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-30
Updated: 2019-05-30
Packaged: 2020-03-30 01:27:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,189
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19031935
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notsodarling/pseuds/jumbled-nonsense
Summary: Michael & Alex's interaction in the Airstream during episode 1x13 from Alex's POV





	Everything I Could Never Say

**Author's Note:**

  * For [auselysium](https://archiveofourown.org/users/auselysium/gifts).



> This was a request from auselysium for more fics about the scene between Michael & Alex in the Airstream during the finale. She put it out there into the world, and it stuck in my head and begged to be written.
> 
>  
> 
> [(Cross-posted from tumblr)](https://jumbled-nonsense.tumblr.com/post/185245072533)

His father killed Jim Valenti.

Alex stares at the computer screen, he wants to be surprised, he wants to be horrified, but it feels more like resignation. His father is a  _ monster _ . Alex has always known and understood that. Since the first time he decided to use his fists and leave bruises on Alex's skin.

He joined the Air Force because he felt weak, because he'd  _ let _ his father hurt Michael. He'd stood, frozen, in the shed that day as his father slammed the hammer down again. And again. And again. All Alex could do was scream. When he closes his eyes, sometimes all he can see is Michael's blood, staining the wood and the concrete. All he can see is the mangled mess of Michael's hand.

He'd relented, joined the Air Force because he had to keep Michael safe. Jesse Manes would hurt him again otherwise, Alex knew he would. And Michael would move on after Alex left. He'd been with people before Alex, he could find someone again. Alex didn't get  _ happy _ , good things didn't happen to Alex. He'd make a mistake, believing otherwise. 

And the Air Force had felt good, he'd felt powerful for the first time in his life. It felt like finally, he could protect the people he cared about, that finally he'd never be that lost boy, frozen and unable to move, again. But Alex looks at himself now, at the things he's done, and  _ hates it _ . Fighting wars he doesn't believe on, taking the lives of people simply because - he was ordered to? No. That's not who he is.

But maybe now, maybe he and Michael can try again. The whole day has been a mess, and Alex has been worried about Michael since they dropped him off earlier. When Kyle finally leaves the bunker, citing a call from Liz, Alex goes to the junkyard. The Airstream is unlocked, it's always unlocked - Michael doesn't believe he has anything of value worth stealing, everything alien-related stored in the bunker below. 

Alex waits. Alex learned to be patient a long time ago. He sits on the bed, knowing Michael has to come back tonight. They need to talk, Alex needs to tell him everything he didn't get to. Caulfield felt the beginning of breaking open the dam. They've always been terrible at communicating, but Alex needs Michael to know he meant every word.

Their timing has never been right. Even now, with Alex back in Roswell, they never quite got it right yet. Alex has dealt with his father, he's dealt with his own demons, he's worked on  _ who _ he wants to be outside this person he's allowed himself to become, a shell of who he was at seventeen. It had been Michael who reminded him, that day outside the Airstream, of who he is.

"What happened?"

"It's not my blood."

It's alarming, the amount of blood soaked onto Michael's shirt, caked onto his skin. Michael says it's not his, and Alex knows he's lying. Because there is something about them, about whatever this  _ connection _ is between them that makes it so hard to look at the other and not be honest. They twist words, Alex knows he's done his fair share, but Michael has always been able to see through them.

"What are you doing here?"

Alex wants to ask where Michael's been. He wants to ask again, why Michael is covered in blood. He wants to make sure Michael is okay after everything that happened -  _ especially _ after Caulfield.

"I - I wanted to see you."

"Alex, this really isn't a good time."

It feels like the theme of  _ them _ is not a good time, not the right time.

"Okay," Alex presses on, because it's now or never. Because Caulfield is still fresh in his mind, and he needs Michael to know, without an alarm, without a countdown clock, without the threat of dying in an exploding, burning building making them say the things they've been too stubborn to admit. "I shouldn't have left you, when I enlisted."

He takes a deep breath.

"I - I could stand here and tell you that I didn't want to leave you, but I did. After what my dad did to you, I just - I wanted to be the kind of person who  _ won battles _ . It felt good." Alex looks up, makes sure Michael is seeing him, looking at him. "But now, I look in the mirror, and I don't even see myself sometimes. I see," Alex pauses, grimaces at the reminder from Mimi months ago, how his aura reminded her of his father. Because that's not who Alex is, that's not the kind of person Michael should love and want to be with. "I see my father."

Alex doesn't miss the way Michael shakes his head, because Alex knows, he knows from months of Michael waiting, of hoping, from the  _ years _ Michael has loved him, that Michael still believes that person he was when he was seventeen, that boy who didn't know anything else but how to be nice, and kind. That boy who saw Michael with his ill-fitting clothes,and his mess of curly brown hair, and his talk of chaos and entropy, and fell in love.

"I'm still fighting  _ his _ battles. Not mine."

He feels it, as Michael stares back at him, that indescribable  _ pull _ that he always feels when they're around each other. The one that makes him want to feel Michael under his hands, the one that makes him want to reach up and gently press his fingers to the skin of Michael's neck, to lean in and  _ feel _ Michael against him. And Alex knows how Michael is looking at him, like he can't say no, because Alex can't say no. Because Alex made the decision  _ months _ ago, he wanted to try and be good enough for Michael - it's just taken him a bit longer to get here.

But then Michael is screwing his eyes closed, doubled over, as if in pain, and Alex stops, wonders if this is what Michael had mentioned before, psychic  _ flashes _ of pain, and he wonders what's wrong, wants to ask, wants to help, but Michael is moving too fast, grabbing his jacket and moving toward the door, and Alex is frozen in front of him.

"I have to go. I have to go."

Michael pauses, turns around, and Alex tries to reach for him, to stop him, to  _ ask what's wrong _ .

"Come back tomorrow. We can talk then."

Alex doesn't get the chance, the words stuck in his throat as he watches Michael barrel out of the Airstream and into his truck, the beginnings of the thunderstorm lighting up the junkyard. Alex stands in the doorway of the Airstream, wondering why, even now their timing is still off, why the very universe itself seems to throw them together, only to rip them apart again.

Tomorrow.

He'll come back tomorrow. Because they need to talk, and Alex knows he's done walking away. He's done pushing Michael away. Whatever happens, whatever Michael needs now, whatever is going on, he's here.

Alex needs Michael to know - he's not going anywhere.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! <3


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